Saturday, September 23, 2006

19 bastards

I spent the last week digging through the official "loose change" conspiracy theories in (belated) commemoration of the 5th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I do pretty much everything belatedly. I gritted my teeth and went in with an open mind. I suspended my disbelief that a couple of college students with $3,000 and some spare time would uncover what the 9/11 commission didn't.

I'm happy to say that I've "done the research" and I've come to some conclusions. I'll get to those in a minute. First, let me save you some time.

This is what conspiracy theorists actually believe:

-A neo-conservative cabal (NCC) , an International Banking Cartel (IBC), or Zionists (Jews) carried out the attacks on 9/11. That is, the same parties were responsible for each and every attack - WTC 1, 2, &7, the Pentagon, and flight 93. For consistency let's just say they think the Jews did it, since that's what they mean by NCC or IBC anyway.

-Jews perpetrated the attacks - with the cooperation of Osama Bin Laden, noted friend of the Jews and Americans - in order to hoard more Jew-gold. The versions vary - it was for Iraq's oil, or insurance money on the towers, or insider trading on the airlines, etc... - but clearly the motive is assumed to be monetary gain. That's reasonable. It wouldn't be the first time someone spent billions of dollars to fake a massive terrorist attack in order to make billions of dollars. Oh. Actually, I guess it would be.

*-I'm just going to add this even though they never explicitly say this, because clearly they believe it. They think that the conspirators' (most likely Jews) evil is surpassed only by their mental retardation. Moving on.

-They believe that the conspirators blew up WTC 7 basically for the hell of it. Same for the Pentagon and Flight 93, for that matter. I guess when the Zionists were planning 9/11 they decided it was too simple to just fly airplanes into the Twin Towers, they needed to blow up a couple of other things and stage a heroic tragedy. A rule of thumb for bad-ass conspiracy is that more complicated is better. The idea is to come up with a conspiracy so asinine that people like me will argue it's too asinine to be true. It's the Scooby Doo principle: it's just so stupid it might work!

*-They believe that you're completely illiterate and have to be spoon-fed their complex ideas in a video. They believe you're not going to visit to verify that what the video claims is undisputed and true. They also believe that you'll pay to buy the video even though it's offered free on the internet. They believe you're as stupid as the conspirators.

-Finally, they believe that thousands of experts in almost every discipline of engineering either a) don't know what the hell they're talking about, or b) have been paid hush money. The handful of engineers that have supported the conspiracy theorists' claims excluded, of course.

In short, don't bother "doing the research." There's nothing to research yet (and there won't ever be anything to research). The conspiracy theorists have yet to produce a single piece of evidence of an actual conspiracy theory. Every claim they have ever made has been refuted, easily. If 9/11 really was an inside job, the evidence will surface to prove it.

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